SUICIDAL

The room was like a cell, though with walls made of iron and two windows carved out as  small holes close to the unpainted ceiling. It was quite dark  when I walked in but my eyes quickly adjusted to the dimness. I soon realised the room was almost empty with neither furniture nor books, or whatever was expected to be in a study room.

Wasn’t I supposed to be meditating here? Oh yes there was something in the room. The very ‘thing’ that was the object of my rage. I was angry…bitter , my eyes were strained from loss of tears. My heart pounded heavily against my chest as my fists tightened. I must have looked like hell with my unkempt hair, sulky cheeks and eyes almost bulging out from their sockets. That ‘thing’ was sitting on the floor, turned away from me,with her head bowed over her bent knees tightened with her arms. She was silent and her silence offended me more.

I took two steps to her just before I heard a voice from behind saying  “She’ll have to face the consequences”.

I turned around, shocked to realise that someone had walked in with me. Did I leave the doors open? Was I being stalked? He was tall, very dark and had a wicked smile on his face as he handed me a whip.

“She needs to get better” he said “you need to show her she isn’t good enough”

I swallowed hard. I had never whipped anyone before, no matter how angry I was with that person but… I glanced at her.

Maybe he was right, she needed to learn. I couldn’t keep my rage in forever.  I can’t. I collected the whip from him, walked a step closer to her, raised it above my head and down to her back..she shrieked a little , muttering nothing in particular.

“Whip her, Whip harder” he barked.

I raised it and let it fall on her back again, harder this time.

“She’s the reason things ain’t going on well for you” he said with more evil in his voice which only served to enrage me further.

I didn’t know who that man was and I didn’t care; every word he said made sense to me.

“She’s the reason you’re a failure..”

He was right! I whipped her again.

“Because of her, you’re here sulking away while your mates are setting the trend” he chuckled “looks like you’ll never be a leader, loser!”

That was the height! I continued to whip her, his words fueling my rage. She groaned in pains as the whip tore through her dress to her skin and she began to bleed. Holding her knees tighter and bending lower to the ground, not even daring to glance at me, she pleaded between winces.

“Stooop!!”

I heard a cry from behind.it was quite distant but very familiar. Soon I watched someone run in between I and the girl.

” Don’t hurt her further”I couldn’t see his face properly, I was not sure I knew him.

I turned around to discover that the man behind me was gone. Where was he?  I let my hand loose, the whip fell.

” I love her… she is not who you think she is”

My anger had dissolved to confusion and I began to chuckle. He absolutely had no idea what he was saying; did he know her more than I?

” I’m just giving her what she deserves”i said under my breath.

“No you’re not” he sounded too confident, he was just too sure.

I watched him turn to her and help her stand, I still couldn’t see her face while he mopped her tears with a clean handkerchief as she sobbed.

“Its alright Amy, I’m here”

I gave a cynical laugh, was this supposed to be a joke? Who was this guy and why was he calling her Amy.

He held her hand; they made to face me.

And I stood there….spell bound!!

My legs shivered, my palms began to sweat. It was totally unbelievable.

*******

How was it possible ? She looked like me, same hair, same bulgy eyes, same trimmed lips, same everything. She was like my reflection. She was me!

My eyes itched with tears especially when I realised that the man beside her was my Lord, I must have been too drowned in pain to recognize him at first. He smiled at me, with an understanding visage on his face. He wasn’t condemning me, not the way I condemned myself.

I broke down in tears, now noticing the whip lashes on my skin too. She took few steps to me

” its okay Amy”

That was my voice too. It sounds crazy but she was me. I walked closer to her and she pulled me into her arms.

We stood there for God knows how long. I closed my eyes and sighed deeply.

*******
“Amy!”

My eyes fluttered opened. I found my self on my bed. My head on my pillow soaked with tears..it occurred to me then; I had cried my self to sleep.

Mum was sitting beside me, worry written over her face.

” Have you heard what happened?” I asked her

She nodded.

” I’m sorry for been a disappointment to you and dad”

“Its okay” she tried to smile   ” God makes everything beautiful in his time. We have not lost faith in you”

I reflected on the dream I had and everything made perfect sence to me. For the first time in a while, I was ready to dream again and believe that things will get better. After all, for God to love a girl like me…then I need not hate myself.

 

 

This is is for the people who brood over their failures and think they’re so bad that they can never be good enough. For those who sink into depression every now and then.For those who are slowly killing themselves without knowing it. The Perfect God loves you and he’s ready to make you better if you let him.

Will you?

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